Should you ever wish to get married in Malawi just let me know and I can pass on a few tips. My big brother and his fiance came out to visit last week and got married in the old mission church in Blantyre. It was such a warm and beautiful ceremony and the general secretary of the Church of the Central Africa Presbytery had invited all his cronies to take part, all of whom were pleased as punch that Ian and Carrie had decided to come all the way from Scotland to get married in their church. Apart from a few minor hitches like my tripping over a pew and nearly taking out the bride and the small issue of having almost missed out signing the marriage certificate it all went very well. Then at the end the minister got up and announced that there would be a reception at my house and did I want to come forward to give the directions? While he was perfectly correct in saying that we had planned a reception at my house, I had not bargained on inviting all of the people who had walked in off the street to see some strange men in kilts and a blonde bride. My flatmate who was on BBQ duties paled, and I tried the tripping up thing again but unfortunately got to the microphone unhindered. So in my best quiet Hebridean voice I gave what I thought were accurate directions to my house but not many people can hear when you stand two metres back from the mike.
So after a few pictures outside of the church it was time to get back in the car. I got in the drivers side only to find that an unknown traditionally built woman was casually climbing in the passenger side. So Carrie, Ian and Ian’s best man, Douglas, got in the back. I asked this woman who was obviously dressed for the occasion if she was one of the minister’s wives. “No”, she replied,”my husband died nine years ago.” Oh. So....Thats really nice you could come. It was obvious she thought she deserved to be in the bridal car and there was no way of asking what she thought she was doing there without her taking offence, so we just had to ask the photographer to get a minibus to my house. I assumed Carrie must have made friends with her, but Carrie was busy thinking the same thing about me from the back of the car. Once we got to my house the guests were all assembled in the garden and there were four chairs set in a row for the bridal party: Ian, Carrie, best man and bridesmaid, I assumed. However, I was attempting to get my laptop to play music loud enough for the bride and groom to arrive to. It was only moderately louder than a mosquito’s drone and the guests strained and leaned forward to hear it. I then turned to sit down, only to find my seat taken by Mystery Woman in Wedding Outfit. So I perched on a wall behind the bridal party in my pretty frock and no one batted an eyelid. Later I asked one of the ministers’ wives who this woman was and she said she had no idea. So, it would seem there are such things as professional wedding crashers even in Malawi. And she got the best piece of steak too. Humbug.
Any gathering in Malawi has to have a programme and this was no exception. The minister had asked another of his friends to be an MC and he opened in prayer, then there was a musical item, then grace, then food, then the speeches; after which everyone took off home as it was getting dark. A select few enjoyed the champagne that we couldn’t bring out earlier as Malawian Christians are T-total: the bride and groom having toasted each other earlier with fanta.
The minister was happily dispatched with his standard payment: a chicken, (frozen, not live) a crate of fanta and a 5 kg bag of rice; my having been let in on this expectation by the session clerk the week before.
So, despite doing our own flowers on the morning of the wedding; frantically undoing the mulit-storey construction that a very particular Malawian lady had made out of our hair that morning and then my losing the car keys at 5 to 2 (the service was to start at 2) and then vastly underestimating the number of expectant mouths it was a fantastic day.
I think Ian and Carrie enjoyed it, or they wouldn’t have let me gatecrash their honeymoon while we toured round the country. The four-people-in-a-two-man-tent was, admittedly, a low point. And the baboon rifling through Carrie’s suitcase and chewing on the post-it notes at 6 in the morning. But, thankfully, bride and groom are two of the most laid-back people you’ll ever meet and took it all in their stride.
I am available for future wedding planning in any exotic location of your choice. I only ask that you fly me there for the necessary preceding month. Anything can be arranged in a month.
